Small talk. The mere mention of those two words is enough to make a grown man cringe. We’ve all been there, trapped in that never-ending cycle of awkward chit-chat about the weather, mehngai, PTI/PML-N politics, and the latest Netflix series.
But in the words of Imran Khan, “Apne Ghabrana Nahi Hai!” Here are some fool-proof tips and tricks to help you avoid that dreaded small talk at boring social events.
The Imaginary Friend
The best way to get people to leave you alone is by weirding out the “normies.” But if you’re worried about being called a lonely looney, bring your imaginary friend to the party.
Start referring to your imaginary friend by name and pretend to engage in a lively conversation with them. Watch as the other person awkwardly tries to figure out who you’re talking to. Just don’t get too weird or someone might call the cops on you.
Be Like Sheldon
Become a walking-talking encyclopedia of bizarre and useless facts, or Sheldon Cooper from The Big Bang Theory. Whenever someone tries to initiate small talk, unleash a barrage of boring trivia about the most mundane topics like the history of PTV or the mating habits of livestock.
Create Your Own Language
Convince the person that you only speak in some non-existent “exotic” language. Respond to their small talk attempts with a series of made-up words and exaggerated gestures. Don’t forget to give them a confused look when they try to respond in their own language.
Focus on the Food
Carry a plate of snacks with you at all times. Whenever someone starts a small talk conversation, stuff your mouth with food and nod enthusiastically.
Extra points if you accidentally spit out some crumbs while you’re talking.
“Enough Talk, Just Dance!”
Break out into a spontaneous dance routine whenever someone tries to engage in small talk. Bust out your best moves and create a spectacle.
The Dramatic Injury
Fake an injury every time someone attempts small talk. Grab your leg, wince in pain, and start limping away. It’s a surefire way to make them feel guilty and quickly move on to another conversation.
But if they don’t believe you, then…
The Unsettling Stare
Maintain an intense and unblinking stare whenever someone tries to engage in small talk. Don’t say a word, just stare deeply into their eyes. Watch as they slowly back away, questioning their life choices.
The Swift Disappearance
Master the art of disappearing without a trace. As soon as someone initiates small talk, pretend to receive an urgent phone call and swiftly make your exit. They’ll be left wondering if you were ever really there.
So, the next time you find yourself trapped in the never-ending abyss of small talk, try these hacks. If all else fails, you can always bring your pet rock.
