Do you want to become a cricketer and represent Pakistan at the upcoming World Cup? Do you have the jazba to eat 24 eggs like Haris Rauf? Well, now is your chance! Train like Azam Khan, Irfan Khan Niazi, and Mohammad Rizwan, and become the next Pakistani cricket star.
Here are some totkas on how (NOT) to train, so that one day Babar Azam will come up to you and say, “tu mera match winner hai.”
As Aqib Javed would say, “An anda a day, keeps the doctor away.” Forget about maintaining a healthy diet. To excel in Pakistani cricket, you need to load up on eggs, parathas, samosas, and pakoras. After all, who needs protein shakes when you can have a plate of spicy biryani.
Who needs to warm up those muscles before a workout? Certainly not you! Jump straight into those heavy lifts and intense cardio sessions without so much as a stretch. And when you’re done, don’t bother with a cool-down. Just collapse in a heap and call it a day.
You can’t call yourself a real cricketer unless you’ve experienced cramping, or at least act like you’ve got the cramps. Rizwan’s here to show you how to cramp up like a match-winner.
Sure, hiking is a great way to enjoy nature and get some exercise. But why stop there? Grab the heaviest rock you can find and prepare for a grueling uphill battle. Bonus points if you collapse in a heap halfway up the trail and have to be airlifted to safety.
Why bother with proper form and technique when you can pile on the weights and hope for the best? Forget about starting slow and gradually increasing weight. Go big or go home – preferably with a herniated disc and a shattered ego.
The secret to success in Pakistan cricket is a pack of cigarettes, just ask Maddie (aka Imad Wasim). Energy drinks are so out of fashion, what you need is a Gold Flake suta to not only calm your nerves but also strike fear in your opponent that you’re about to slog them out of the park. Just avoid running for singles and doubles.
If you’re feeling a bit of strain, muscle pain, or fatigue, then you are fully fit to play for the ‘Shaheens.’ Go out there and bowl as hard as you can. Once you’re injured, the PCB’s renowned medical staff will “take care” of you. Just ask Ihsanullah and Naseem Shah.
Why bother with balanced strength training when you can flail one arm around like a windmill on steroids? Forget about proper form and controlled movements. Swing that dumbbell like your life depends on it – or at least until your shoulder gives out in protest.
Who needs those recommended 7-9 hours of sleep anyway? Burning the candle at both ends is the key to success… or so they say. Stay up late scrolling through social media or binge-watching Netflix, then yawn proudly on the field to intimidate your opponents.
Spend hours perfecting your moves in front of the mirror, and don’t forget to incorporate plenty of hard-pulling motion to get your body screaming in celebration (agony).
With these foolproof totkas, you’ll be well on your way to becoming the next star of Pakistani cricket… and eventually, be sidelined with an injury that management will figure out how to treat you in maybe a year or so.
SATIRE
